The Ultimate Spa Vacation

Guest Blog by Sam Schoeneman:

Although I am not a writer for the New York Times or Outside Magazine, I know that what I am about to document could be classified as one of their special stories of discovering the undiscovered. In this case, it is the ultimate spa vacation. Not only ultimately relaxing and rejuvenating, but also educational and rewarding, I discovered the Spa of Apartment House Wifery hosted by the internationally acclaimed apartment wife, Genevieve Cook. I learned very early on it is important that to reach this high quality type of spa, the location is key – preferably very remote, with lots of outdoor pursuits, and a store within walking distance. Also at the top of a spa retreat such as I am about to reveal to you, it is very important to have a very specific schedule. It is important to look over the spa’s proposed schedule to determine the authenticity of its offerings, without a schedule it just isn’t top-notch apartment house wifing. Last but definitely not least, the spa you choose should have at least one small human under the age of one, best if teething and just learning to move and get into anything anywhere.

The Team Wilco Spa of Dutch Harbor, Alaska meets and then exceeds the requirements for the proper housewife spa. First, as previously discussed, Dutch Harbor, Alaska in the Aleutian Islands, three hours by small plane west of Anchorage, provides the perfect location and environment.

This is a place where it is near impossible to find a clothes drying rack, non-slip tub mat, or pants actually your size without bleach or fish guts. The main spa facility is in a small two bedroom apartment with storage large enough for two days of food, one pan, and six of your favorite spices (but you will need to try to keep putting in eight or nine spices so you can repeatedly jam the drawer half open). The small kitchen and poor storage will provide excellent meditative organizational opportunities during openings in the schedule discussed in detail later. The store is a brisk 10 minute walk from the spa and it is encouraged to make at least three trips daily, of course stopping by the coffee shack for a mountain mocha at least one of the trips. The outdoor pursuits just a 10-minute or less drive from the spa are really unbelievable – from snowboarding to skate boarding (yeh, it is promoted that house wives get rad from time to time). There are also many hikes to secret bays where you may be tested on your skills for warming power bars for your household over an open fire (adding ninja outdoor pilates moves is only recommended for experts...)


or demonstrating your ninja skills against the master house wife in historical bunkers from WWII – if you get lucky enough to pick the right sword…otherwise you will demonstrate only weakness and evidence of need for improvement in the area of kicking ass properly.

All outdoor adventures must be attempted with a degree of caution due to old WWII paraphenalia which could surprise you when you least expect it...

Next the schedule must be learned, practiced, and repeated until it is engrained to pure instinct – this will only intensify your ability to enjoy all the offerings of the housewife spa-ness. Typically it involves getting up when the teething, not really hungry nor hot nor sick nor too cold nor soiled diapered little one feels like you should – this could be anywhere from 5 – 7 am. From 7:30-7:45 Internet surfing round one, then breakfast and coffee (round one) is administered to bacon bringer homer (AKA husband) followed by a quick kiss and “see you at lunch”. 8-9am is time to run to the store for trip number one and coffee (Mountain Mocha) round 2. This also helps keep the little one awake (most days) and engaged until nap number 1 at 9am. From 9-10 or 10:30am it is nap time which launches internet checking round 2, followed by Pilates for the pelvic floor girdle, and of course lunch making. Lunch making can seem predictable but if you haven’t gone to the store more than 2 times the previous day the standard ingredients may be missing and throw an extra challenge in. This event can also be timed if little one is not on schedule due to weekend or Auntie Fun Times visit, but try to strive daily for sandwiches, yogurt with surprise additions, fruit of what is on sale or misadvertised (cherries for $2.49/#), and if you are really on it – lunch dessert. Then little one is up and it is off to the most friendly tot time play group in a 100 mile radius (wait that makes it the only one…humm….) and actually tot time play group is a bit misleading – gossip time toddlers gone wild group would be a bit more appropriate….sort of…. Before you know it is is noon and time to stop by the bacon winner’s office for lunch. Preferably a picnic followed by a wondering (or wandering) pace walk is allowed by the weather. However, as housewife you may need to fit the picnic in with errands such as fish cannery tours and purchases – this is a more advanced move, which you will only be allowed if proven confidence in the basics. Next is the tricky afternoon nap; attempt to keep little one up until kiss and dessert are done with bacon winner and home to start nappage from 1:15 to 2:30 or 3pm, if feeling cocky can fit in store visit number 2 in here. Once home and nap number 2 is in place, round three of internet checking begins along with dumping dishwasher, starting laundry, tinting (yes, application of fake tan – very important part of schedule but even the experts can over look it….) and more housewife training.


3:30 to 5pm salt soaking baths (aka public family swim time at community salt water pool). 4:30-5:30 store visit number three followed by prep for dinner. Greet bacon bringer homer at 5-5:30, attempting to achieve fresh tinted salted glow – the last thing the bacon winner needs to see is a tired house wife without dinner ready and no plan of dessert – this is also a good time to offer pre dessert options (otherwise known as pre-sert). 5:30-6:30 dinner with family this includes three to four course dessert.

6:30 – 7:30 walk in Alaska wilderness in extreme footwear perfect for walking on rocky gravel roads, search for wild fiddle heads for mornings omelet, snowboard, and partake in serious photo shoots all while providing stimulating and humorous conversation, tasty food and wine, and lots of love and attention to the little one.


Modeling the Team Orbo sweatshirts for Dan Bouchard with a quick wardrobe change for the next photo shoot.

7:30 – 8 pm bath time with parent (yes with parent because of the no non-slip tub mats in Dutch Harbor so adult needs to keep little one up right in the bath), then bedtime for the little one. 8-9pm more internetting, which includes watching others internet surf (and by this time, you may have actually succeeded in getting the computer on and the internet moving along, perhaps even read and responded to a message or two). 9-10pm wine and laugh as to properly prepare for girls night out. 10-1:30am hit the night life with best friend and create legendary nights of free drinks, free t-shirts, and just a whole helluva lot of freedom in general.

Demonstrating Dutch Harbor's famous slogan: A woman behind every tree...

(Yes, these trees were planted by the Russians in 1805)

For an extra $120,000 per week, you could stay on the Andromeda La Dea, which I considered for a few moments, but when it comes right down to it, nothing beats Team Wilco's spare bedroom/storage closet with the right number of thermarests (2), sleeping bags (2) and pillows (2) for maximum comfort and prevention of hip bursitis.

What a day….what a week….

We miss you Auntie Fun Times!!!

Addenum:
Reflections upon leaving Team Wilco Spa

My first day away from house wifing mentoring and spaing was a difficult transition but I found myself glancing at my watch...hummm noon would be picnic time soon....get to lay in the tundra enjoy the sea breeze and be entertained by the napping mantra.....humm....3 oclock...just finishing up the tinting and getting ready to head to the salt spa (public pool)....perhaps fitting in another store stop if lucky...best of all the schedule puts me right back to a very special place with very special people, Team Wilco, whose lives I feel more apart of even though the physical distance is well a hell of a ways aways....I love you guys and want to thank you for such an awesome ultimate spa package even more so for our life long friendship that is beyond ultimate!! Go Team Wilco!!